First Night Away!

Ever since Emmaline was born, I've been the person to put her to sleep at night.  Ryan sometimes does her bedtime routine (massage, diaper change, a song, two stories), but I'm always there to nurse her into submission (you know what I mean...) and place her in her crib for the night.  Needless to say, after 8 months of this, I was more than just a little nervous to go on a nighttime date, leaving my baby to be put to bed by someone else!!!

Ryan had gotten tickets for us to see Maroon 5 at Red Rocks Amphitheatre a couple of months ago.  We HAD to go.  We love Maroon 5 and I'd never seen a concert at Red Rocks (I know, I've lived in Colorado how many decades???).  We asked  my incredible sister (who Emma loves so, so, SO much) to babysit so we could grab dinner and go to the concert.  Home around 11pm.  Our first night date since Emmaline was born!

The concert was am-AH-zing!  Gavin DeGraw opened the night and was better than I expected.  Maroon 5 killed it and left nothing to be desired.  They were incredible.  Ryan and I had a great time.  I managed to look at my phone only once every 10 minutes (until the battery died...).  My wonderful sister put up with lots of tears and fussing but managed to get Emma to bed safely and I was grateful that her latest pulling herself to standing in her sleep and waking up screaming needing help to get back down phase was over and my sis didn't have to deal with that! 

So, while it was so hard for me to leave knowing that Emma was going to have a tough time going to sleep without me, it feels amazing that my little sister kept my little girl safe and sound while Ryan and I were out and about for over 6 hours!  (No, I didn't bring my pump to relieve my breast engorgement and yes, I'm paying for it now with a painful clogged duct.)

Here's the evening in pictures.  Not that great because I still don't really get how to use my camera, I guess.  I don't know how I manage to take the worst pictures at one of the most beautiful places in the world.  For those of you who have never been to Red Rocks (for hiking or a concert) you MUST try to go at some point in your life.  It's truly a beautiful experience!

Gavin Degraw:

Denver in the distance:

I wore sensible shoes and you should too if you go to Red Rocks!  It's a hike to get to the amphitheatre!  Incidentally, these cutie patooties are from my sister!  Love that I got her hand-me-downs when my feet grew during pregnancy!

Maroon 5!

Great date with the hubby! 

Thank you so much, lil' sis, for taking such great care of my baby while we had a night out!  You're the best!!!

To the Biker on the Canal Path at 5:30pm Today

I understand your need to bike home after a long shift worked at UPS (I assume you work at UPS based on your lovely tan short-sleeve button down shirt and chocolate brown too-tight shorts).  I too have biked to work in the past and get how you want to get home in a hurry.  I ask, however, that in the future, you not scare the crap out of myself and my dogs. 

I may appear to have my shit together as I'm walking down our canal path.  I've got my awesome jogging stroller with my chatty baby in front of me and my two stunning Border Collies walking along on my right side.  We keep a brisk pace and I'm sure I seem calm and collected but it's a delicate balance, you must know.  So, when you come up behind us, 30 mph, with notsomuch as a "on your right", are you surprised that I cursed under my breath after I recovered from our encounter?

I take up two thirds of our little path...  Our multi-use path that is supposed to be for everything from riding horses to jogging, by the way, it's not a bike path exclusively in case you were wondering.  Most bikers alert me that they're coming up from behind with a "on your left" or "coming up behind you" or even "excuse me" all of which help me scoot my pups over just a bit to give a little more room to the passerby and stop them from freaking out over the passing bicycle.  You may not know this, but most dogs have an issue with bikes whizzing by.  Mine.are.petrified.  Not joking, Abbey is afraid of everything with wheels (except our stroller, thank goodness).

So, when you come up behind me, on my right (despite there being a third of the path open on my left), INCHES away from hitting my dog without any warning...  wanna know what happens???  One dog pulls right, the other dog pulls left, IN FRONT of the stroller.  The stroller tips.  I stumble to catch it.  I drop a leash.  And a dog is gone.  Lovely.  Don't YOU worry you're pretty little brown shorts though, I'm just fine.  My dogs are amazing and wait for me to recover and catch up to them while you speed off not paying any attention to the drama you have just caused.  My baby is a little upset at the raucous but it's nothing a funny face from mommy can't fix.  And we make our way home, all in one piece.

Don't worry about us, we're FINE!  Just watch out because I ALWAYS pick up after my dogs and I'm not afraid to use it as a weapon (in self defense, of course).

Hugs and Kisses (Asshole!!!),

Amanda and Family

Post Partum Weight Loss

So as part of my journey through eating disorder recovery, I built up a pretty good sense of self and solid self-esteem.  While many professionals say that Eating Disorders, like addiction, cannot be "cured" I believe that I am recovered (versus the language some would prefer, in recovery, for the rest of my life...  yeah, hell no).  Anyway, I have a great bag of tricks to take care of myself and keep my mind and body in a happy, healthy place.  I've written about how pregnancy was the last stage of my recovery.  I let go of any hang-ups I may have had and let nature do what it needed to do so that I could bring another life into the world.  Post-pregnancy, some insecurities have resurfaced...

It's been hard to lose the baby weight, I won't lie.  I joke that I walk three miles a day with the dogs, carry a 17 pound baby everywhere, and Ryan and I have been good about doing Jillian's 30 Day Shred 4-5 days a week so why do I not weigh 120 pounds???  Seriously??? 

I've read that many women hold onto body fat while breastfeeding to keep their supply high and fatty.  I'm perfectly fine having a few extra pounds on me to make sure Emma gets all that she needs but I'm not 10 pounds overweight over here.  We're talking 30 pounds!

Yeah, yeah, I put on more than the recommended 35 pregnancy pounds.  I didn't go bat shit crazy during pregnancy but I didn't deprive myself either.  My body, used to years of starvation during the height of  my disordered eating, held onto every last calorie during pregnancy.  It didn't matter if I was eating salads or brownies, I gained 1-2 pounds per week for the entire pregnancy!  A total of over 60 pounds!  I know, it's a huge number, I couldn't believe it when I went to my 39 week appointment and weighed over 200 pounds!  It was a huge relief to take a deep breath and realize I had done a great job nourishing myself and my baby and that my body was going to do what it needed to do.  I couldn't undo the damage I had done during the times I'd starved myself.  My body will probably always live in fear that there will be another shortage of food so I'll probably always have a tendency to "store" food...  it is what it is...

Anyway, I lost 25 pounds pretty easily in the first 6 weeks after giving birth.  And then it stopped. 

A few weeks ago, Ryan and I decided that we both wanted to work together to lose the pregnancy weight so we started exercising more together and we're watching what we're eating.  I'm not restricting calories at all because breastfeeding is way to important to me and I know that losing more than 1 pound per week can release toxins into my breastmilk that could harm Emma so I'm accepting that I'll lose weight slowly.  I've lost a few pounds and have been feeling pretty good about the progress I've made...  until today.

Last Saturday, Ryan and I went to BBQ at a friend's house.  They took pictures.  One picture was of Emma and me.  It was posted on Facebook.  It is, by far, the biggest self-esteem blow I've had in a looooong time.  Just as I was feeling as though I was making some progress and looking less...  well...  large, here's what I see:

So this is what I woke up to this morning (after Emma's morning yell for a boob, of course).  So, what do I do?  Do I ask her to take it down?  Do I un-tag myself?  I thought about it...  Ryan even offered to call her and ask for her to take it down because I was so upset.

I thought about it some more.  I decided to laugh.  I laughed at my hair that I have to pile on top of my head unless I want chunks of it ripped out by my daughter.  I laughed at my awful posture that has come from carrying my 17 pound baby on alternating hips.  I laughed at the ugly lawn chair that has the camera looking at my Xena Warrior Princess thighs from a most unflattering angle.

Then, I commented on the Facebook picture. 

 While my daughter looks lovely, I invite everyone to try and find a less flattering photo of me anywhere... I'm pretty sure this is the worst! haha!!

My friend politely offered to remove it.  I declined.  Whatever.  So there's a bad picture of me on the internet.  So I still have a long way to go to get healthy and lose the pregnancy weight.  So I need a haircut and I should sit up straight.

Prior to recovering from disordered eating, a picture like this would have sent me into a tailspin.  I would have chosen a new workout regimen to start the very next day and reduced my calorie intake by 100 or so per day for a few months.  Honestly, I do not have time for that shit anymore!  Here's how I know I've recovered from an eating disorder.  There is a picture of me 30 pounds overweight on the internet.  I laughed and I'm letting it go.  I've got so much more to worry about and an incredible life to celebrate!

Why Did the Caterpillar Cross the Road?

First of all, it's too late in the summer for me to be seeing caterpillars, right?  They're all supposed to be butterflies by now, correct?

Second of all, why is it that I've seen several caterpillars this week attempting to cross the bike path that I walk every morning with the dogs?  What the heck do they think they're doing?  Stay in the grass!  Climb up a tree!  Snuggle in with the dirt and eat leaves!

In the last 7 days, I've helped 3 caterpillars and 2 snakes get off the bike path in order to avoid being sliced in half by someone speeding by on a bicycle.  It's not the cyclists' fault that I've seen so many earthworms and snakes cut in two on the path.  That's what happens when you put a bike path next to a natural waterway, duh. 

Anyway, I'm proud to have saved some lives this week.  What did you do?

We're Going On A Date!!!

Ryan and I haven't been on a date (without Emmaline) since his brother and his wife visited over Christmas!  Now, almost 7 months later, we're getting ready to drop Emma off with my sister so we can spend a Sunday afternoon together, just us, no baby!  Woot, Woot!!

What will we be doing you ask?  Well, we're going to see the new Harry Potter movie... duh!  We're catching a matinee and then grabbing a bite to eat before picking up Emma, running home and then I'm off to yoga!  Sounds like a great day, right?  I'm a little nervous...

Emmaline and I spend almost every waking moment together.  She's like my right hand.  I can't live without her.  I think this feeling is part of being a stay at home mom.  I don't drop my daughter off at daycare 5 days a week.  I exclusively breastfeed and don't like to pump so I spend a maximum of 2-3 hours away from her to take care of myself (yoga, a haircut, a massage).  We're a little enmeshed.  That's great, don't get me wrong, but it can be hard to separate myself from her sometimes.

She doesn't seem to mind most of the time.  She went through separation anxiety VERY early (our pediatrician said that means she's very bright) so we're passed that stage (which usually starts about now) and she loves my sister so I know she'll have fun.  I have some breastmilk in the freezer that needs to be used or it will be bad so it works out.  Plus, I have some disposable diapers that I'll end up donating if we don't use so I figure I'll send those with Emma tomorrow to make Lark's (my sis) life easier.

I'm really excited to have some grown-up time with my husband even though I'll miss our baby!  We both recognize the need for quality time together without Emma and we know it's been WAY too long since we've had that.  Honestly, Emma is the most important thing in both of our lives but we recognize that we need to nurture our relationship in order to best parent her and keep a stable, happy household.  We've made it a goal to have a date night more frequently so I'm hoping it gets easier to part with our little one from time to time!

Paypal Can Bite Me: An Unofficial Review

I had quite the run in with Paypal today and I feel the need to share my frustration with the whole world so take a good swig of that vino you're holding and prepare to get angry for me!

Two weeks ago I had arranged for 2 transactions to be billed to my Paypal account.  I have Paypal linked to an old checking account that I keep a low balance in for emergencies so when I make ANY purchase with Paypal I ALWAYS select for the payment to be billed to the debit card on the account for a different bank account.  Make sense?  I'm sure everybody does this from time to time.

Anyway, so I selected for both transactions, $65 each, to be billed to the debit card for my other account.  A few days later, I get a notice from the bank (the one with the low balance) saying that my account had gone NSF (insufficient for those of you who don't know bank terms, FYI: Ryan and I were both bankers once upon a time).  I was charged $35 for each $65 transaction.  I was mad and confused.  I e-mailed Paypal right away.  No response despite the automatic reply indicating that I would get a response within 24 hours.  I e-mailed again, 2 days later, no response.

Last night, I check the mail and see another notice from the bank stating that they are charging me $3 per day that the account is insufficient!  This $130 transaction has my bank account $220 in the hole!!!

Today, I'm telling Ryan and he says I have to CALL Paypal.  Okay, a company that makes everything electronic and I have to CALL them?  Whatever...

I call.  I explain what happened and ask what they can do.  I'm told that the debit card that I've been using for YEARS has never been "confirmed" and that they could no longer charge items to it so they used the bank account instead.  I looked at my account online and saw nothing indicating that there was any problem with the debit card.  I asked where the notification was indicating that they had to change the method of payment from what I requested and was told that "Paypal has hundreds of thousands of customers, we cannot notify everyone of these things when they come up".  I was also told that, "this happens all the time".  Really?  Really?

So, I ask politely if Paypal could please "confirm" this debit card that I've been using for years, reverse the transactions to the overdrawn bank account, and debit them properly to the card.  I'm told that Paypal can't do that.  I have to call the vendor that charged me in the first place, ask for a refund, and then pay a different way.

I politely inform the woman that the vendor doesn't give a shit about how Paypal messed up (because this is Paypal's fault) and will have no incentive to fix this on Paypal's behalf.  I was then told that "vendors can be more sympathetic than you think" and "I hear of people all the time who are successful at getting this resolved this way".  I tell the woman that I don't want it resolved this way.  I want Paypal to fix their fucking mistake!

To give the woman credit, she remained calm and polite with me.  I've worked in customer service so I'm usually as polite and patient as can be with representatives.  After all, it's not her fault that Paypal screwed me over.  Anyway, so she's nice...  then she puts me on hold for 15 minutes.  Thank goodness Emma and I got into a tickle fight and she put me in a better mood while I was on hold because I was seriously going to hurt this woman in a bad way.

She comes back and says that she's checked with 3 supervisors and they all agree that there is nothing Paypal can do that the vendor must reverse the transaction and redo it however I want it done.  Right...

So, I say thanks for the help and I really hope that Paypal can communicate with its customers better in the future so that this whole situation (that apparently happens all the time???!!!) could have been avoided.  Then, I hang up the phone and curse a bit...  snuggle with Emma...  and decide to put it off until tomorrow.  I've been through enough bullshit for one day.

The end.  Thanks for reading. 

Am I Crazy???

Okay, don't answer that...

Seriously, I've been having these feelings and I think I might be nuts because...  wait for it...

I want another baby.  Like now.  WTF is wrong with me?  I'm blaming Sally, actually.  In case you don't read it, Sally's blog Exploits of a Military Mama is awesome and you should hop over there and show her some love.  Then, give her a hard time about looking so great pregnant, having an adorable little boy, a bragworthy husband (just like mine is so many ways!), and making me want another baby! 

Ryan and I have already established that we're going to have another child.  We always said we wanted 2 children, close in age, but we're not sure how feasible that is right now.  We pay our bills each month and get by just fine but it would be financially irresponsible to increase the size of our family right now.  We've laid out the numbers and realize that all we'd need to spend for a new baby would be medical bills and another car seat (which we'll need anyway since Emmaline will grow out of the one we have).  We purposefully bought mostly gender neutral everything for Emmaline so that it could be reused for our second, no matter the sex.  We have enough cloth diapers to get by with two in diapers and Emmaline breastfeeds exclusively so we don't spend money on formula (speaking of which I'm still getting coupons in the mail so contact me if you want me to mail them to you!!).  Another baby wouldn't cost too much money upfront, it's a year or two down the road when Emmaline's needs increase that we'll notice the financial crunch... although I hope we won't need to be as frugal in a year or two so there's that too...

I loved being pregnant.  I mean, there were some downsides, of course.  I had to pee every hour, was thirsty like you wouldn't believe, the heat was killer, my feet got bigger, I was tired, my back was sore, I couldn't sleep well (and needed a pillow fort to support all the nooks and crannies), my boobs were sore, but I was happy.  I was so happy.  I loved having a baby in my belly!  I loved the bump and all that came with it.  Honestly, I can't wait to do it all over again.

Emmaline is almost 8 months old.  I'd love to start trying for another baby when she's a year old.  I don't know if we'll feel stable and secure enough at that point to bring another life into the world but I really really REALLY hope we do because I seriously want to. 

Any opinions out there?  Anyone with two under two who think I'm absolutely insane (or brilliant?  yeah, say brilliant!!)?  After medical costs, do you really notice the financial burden of another baby?  The sleep deprivation?  The extra diapers?  I've thought about all of this and I'm thinking that as long as I don't have to work full time, I can handle all of that.  I may not be the perfect mom but I can be the perfect mom for my family and I really want that to include another little one soon!

A Crazy Day

It started with Emma bumping her head...

Which lead to more babyproofing...

And blackberries...  because you can never go wrong with blackberries!!!

Let's do it all over again tomorrow!

I Believe...

that a 20 minute nap can save your life...

sometimes a frozen pizza and salad can be dinner and I don't have to feel bad about it...

some of the dances on So You Think You Can Dance just don't translate from stage to camera : (...

I miss my size 6 clothing, almost everyday, and that's okay...

a good way to keep your husband is to tell him that he's getting lucky tonight and there's nothing he can do about it...  best done as soon as he comes home from work...

laundry can wait...  like, forever if necessary...

rain is lovely, and flash flooding in Colorado makes me wonder if Mother Nature is a little angry about all the fireworks...

Mommy and Me

Emmaline and I had an incredible opportunity for her 7 month photo shoot.  A friend of mine, Joshua Ramey (JoshPRamey@gmail.com), was expanding his portfolio and decided to do a Mommy and Me photo shoot for us!  Here's a sampling of what he did with Emma and I on a sunny June afternoon right outside our apartment.  Trust me, you want to see them all so keep scrolling!!

No make up, no special lights.  Just us girls and Joshua with his camera. 

Joshua was both professional and friendly.  We weren't prepared with props or anything so he picked a rose for Emma's ear and another one for her to play with.  Brilliant!

We feel so blessed to have these moments captured in such an intimate way.  Joshua's work speaks for itself but I can attest to his natural ability and laid back approach that makes the people in front of the camera feel comfortable.  If you want to see more of Joshua's work you can find him on his 365 page or you can e-mail him at JoshPRamey@gmail.com.  He's also on facebook here.  Joshua works in Colorado but I'm sure you could sweet talk him into travelling for you!

Now that I have these photo's, I can't imagine NOT having them!  I will cherish them always.

Cloth Diaper Series: Laundry

This is the fifth post of the Cloth Diaper Series. In case you missed it, here are posts 1-4:

Cloth Diaper Series: How it Started...

Cloth Diaper Series: Our System

Cloth Diaper Series: How to Cloth Diaper

Cloth Diaper Series: Diaper Rash

By far the most intimidating part of cloth diapering is doing the laundry that comes with it!  Well, I'm here to tell you that there IS a learning curve and that it will challenge you BUT it is not hard nor time consuming.  I wash about 20 diapers per load in order to not overstuff our small stackable washer, this means I wash diapers about every 2 days.  I can go longer but the diapers get cleaner if they have more room to slosh around in there so I prefer to do it this way.

I've experimented (as everyone should) with a few laundry soaps for Emmaline's diapers.  I started with All Free and Clear because it's pretty safe for them and is very affordable.  We had no trouble with the All F&C until Emma started solids.  Once the smell, consistency, and pH of her waste changed, the All didn't quite cut it anymore.  I tried Rock'n'Green which is very popular in the cloth diapering community as well as some other diaper specific detergents.  I wasn't really impressed.

Then, I read that someone was washing their cloth diapers with Soap Nuts!

I already have a huge bag of soap nuts that I purchased years ago.  I have very sensitive skin and can only use Free and Clear detergents so when I heard about Soap Nuts years ago, I bought some to try.  Soap nuts are actually a berry that is picked and dried.  It naturally releases cleansing agents when wet with warm/hot water, is completely natural, safe and effective!  They're amazing little guys!

Anyway, I didn't find that washing our laundry with soap nuts was any different for my skin personally so I sort of forgot about them...  until I heard about how amazing they are for cloth diaper washing!  And they are!!!  Here's our routine...

Diapers go into the wash, cold rinse:

I then toss in the bag of Soap Nuts.  I typically use 5 "nuts" in the canvas bag they came with.

I also add 4-5 drops of Tea Tree Oil.  I love the way it smells and it has anti-bacterial properties which we love on our diapers!!

So they go through a cold rinse.  The reason for the cold rinse is to get as much as you can out of and off of the diapers before the actual washing of them in hot water.  Hot water can set stains so you want to try to get all the bits and pieces off of the diapers with a cold rinse before your hot wash.  ***Important Fact***  Babies that are exclusively breastfed have poop that can go straight into the wash!  It's not gross, it's no big deal, just do it.  Once solids start, the poop needs to go in the toilet!!!  This is not just for cloth diapered babies!!!  POOP FROM BABIES WHO EAT SOLID FOODS NEEDS TO GO IN THE TOILET, even if you use disposable diapers!!!  It's against the law in some places to wrap it up in a diaper and put it in the trash.  Disposable diapers can take 500 years to disintegrate at which time the poop that was inside is toxic and seeps into the ground water!  ALWAYS FLUSH THE SOLID POOP!!! 

So, next is the hot wash.  The hot water activates the cleansing agents in the Soap Nuts so I don't need to do anything here except set the washer to hot and wash (always using the highest water setting, remember you want the diapers to have lots of room for agitation!).

When you're using an actual detergent, you'll want to do an extra rinse (cold) after the hot wash cycle.  You do this to be sure all the detergent is out of the diapers.  Detergent can build up in diapers and that causes stink so we want to avoid that by doing an extra rinse after the hot wash cycle.  When using Soap Nuts, there is not detergent to rinse out so we skip this step!

So, after the wash is done, the covers get pulled out and hung to dry.  The inserts, fitteds, and prefolds go into the dryer on high for about 75 minutes.  If it's sunny on the patio and I'll be home for a couple hours, I'll dry everything on the rack in the sun.  The sun is great for cloth diapers.  It helps sanitize, gets rid of stains, and gives everything a lovely smell.  Today, I was headed out so everything but the covers went in the dryer.

I pull the canvas baggie of Soap Nuts out of the washer as I'm separating the covers.  They're safe to go through the dryer if I'm in a hurry and can't find them but it shortens their life.  That's right, they're good for more than one wash!!!  These things are so economical!  They last for at least 5 (sometimes 10) washes!!!  As they wear out, they start to fall apart and become less soapy feeling...  more crunchy...  hard to describe, you know it when you feel it.  I let the Soap Nuts dry on the washer and then use them again the next time I wash diapers.

If you venture into the Cloth Diapering Community, you'll find that everyone has a different wash system that works for them and, honestly, even if you have something that works it may stop working as your baby's diet changes or your water content adjusts during different seasons.  It's constant trial and error for a couple washes and then you develop what works for you!  Ultimately, it's laundry.  It's easy.  It's really hard to mess it up too bad!

Ask questions if you have any!!

FYI:  I purchased the Soap Nuts through NaturOli years ago.  They were not given to me nor was I paid to review or promote them.  (Same with All Free and Clear detergent and Tea Tree Oil which can be purchased anywhere that carries essential oils, I vary the brand every time I purchase depending what's on sale!)